Last night in bed I was thinking about how it has been almost 4 years since I was officially told I had cancer (the first time). It was one week before Christmas when I got the word and began on that slippery slope into cancer hell. A crappy time of year to get that kind of news, but then again, is there ever a good time to get that kind of news? NO.
Cancer doesn't care about the when, or the how, what or who, and we all know it most certainly does not care about the WHY? I cared about the why, in fact sometimes I still do, I just can't help it. Of course I thought "why me" when I was told. And eventually of course I thought, "Well, why not me?" I mean it happens to so many people.
And since I dealt with the cancer metastasizing 2 years ago I have continued to ask, on-and-off, "why me?" And although I am Disease-Free today I still fall back into a state of shock if I think too long or hard about what I have been through. I try not to feel sorry for myself because I know that doesn't help anyone, most of all me. But that whole PTSD thing is hard to break free from and when stress rears it's ugly head I find myself fighting many similar feelings that have haunted me for the past 4 years.
Lately I have been thinking that it could have been useful to have had someone video tape me during the months of my treatments. I don't mean to sound weird or sadistic here but seriously, sometimes I can't believe this has really happened to me, the only evidence of it is my screwed up mind, my scattered emotions, the scars left on my body and the missing chunk of time in my life.
I have done some wonderful and amazing things since I was diagnosed 4 years ago. I am sorry to sound like I am pissing and moaning here, it is really just my current state of mind leaking through to the screen. I am now in better shape physically than I have ever been, I have found a new passion to pursue and I do relish most moments in my life. The mountain tops have been so very wonderful, better that I would have expected after hearing the news 4 years ago. And with those great highs I guess the lowest lows must come, sucky but true. Time for me to suck it up and move on. Thanks for letting me vent.
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Deb,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your honesty. You are strong and resilient and true.
I've come to accept (most of the time) the fact that healing is ongoing. This is especially true when a PTSD reaction can easily send you spinning back to cancer land before you even realize you've left the room.
All I can say is this: I think you are doing incredibly well. Please, I hope you will keep blogging. Every time we take a step forward to define the experience we help ourselves and someone else in the process.
Love,
Jody
Deb,
ReplyDeletePTSD is a woefully inadequate term in some situations. How about my world has collapsed around me, and it will never be the same again, and I can't stop fixating on all the ramifications? As you know, all too well, some days are better than others. I wish I could take Elizabeth Edwards' advice and "decide that today I am alive, and I decide not to waste today worrying about tomorrow,” but that is easier said than done.
At one point in my earlier life, things were so chaotic and life-threatening, on an almost daily basis, I cut off my highs and lows and lived somewhere in the middle. That's not a good way to go through life either. With some therapy, I learned how to feel happiness and sadness, and now realize while the valleys are no fun, it's truly a better way to go through life.
While you're sometimes stuck in the valleys, it sounds to me like you're doing a great job of finding things you're passionate about and making them part of your life. It's great that we have our blogs, a place to share our feelings, knowing others like us can empathize, often help and that we can help them as well by talking about it.
XOXOXO,
Brenda
Dear Debbie,
ReplyDeleteConsidering everything you have been going through these last 4 years I think you are doing extremely well. You have started a new career, raise a beautiful daughter and went on with your life. You share you ups and downs with us and you have taught me many valuable lesson on kicking cancers butt, strength and determination. But above all you are a warm and caring person who has made my life so much more beautiful. Thank you for accepting me as a friend. We will redo this conversation on the day you can say "it has been 40 years" and I will rejoice the day I met you. Thanks for being you, love Annemieke
P.s.: sorry for not replying sooner
As Jody says, thanks for your honesty - it is important that we share the good, the bad, and the ugly face of cancer with each other. Your experience will strike a cord in many of us - as you describe the cataclysmic effect that a breast cancer diagnosis has on us - and despite the support we give each other - it can be a lonely place at times. We can feel alone alone in the awareness of mortality, our fears about the future and our changed sense of identity and connection.
ReplyDeleteHaving said all that, I know that this is one of the troughs in the valley that is life - you will climb those peaks again and rejoice as you reach the heights - and we will there to share it all with you x
Debbie, I don't think you are "pissing and moning" :) I think you are being real and you are a women with a fighters attitude which has served you well! In looking at the flight you have had since the cancer journey first began it has certainly had its ups and downs..but as I see it mostly ups! You are now living life with a passion for your new job and I love to hear you FB about running and how you keep going. You could have said "no I quit" but insted you said "yes I am still in the game and running the race" Hats off to you my friend. Blessings and a long distant hug!
ReplyDeleteDebbie, I totally understand your comment about video taping because it's all just so unfathomable. It's hard to accept all that happens to us sometimes. I was happy to see a new post here. Thanks for sharing. That's what we are all here for, to support each other through all of it, even the most ugly parts.
ReplyDeleteDebbie,
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to complain; you have been through so much. Your blog is excellent, and your authentic sharing of your pain is so appreciated.
I know what the PTSD merry-go-round is like. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer years ago, I find that the mind wreaks havoc on one's psyche.
Hang in there and keep blogging. The world needs to hear your voice. I'm adding your blog to my blogroll.
I'm just getting caught up on reading now.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. As a now longer-term survivor (10yrs this summer), I understand & continue to relate to so much of what you're writing about. I so appreciate that we all share our different perspectives because there is no one way to experience cancer. We're not all brave fighters, or stoic, or angry, or poignant. We may be all of those things & more, but not all the time, and we all know those lows and that feeling of getting stuck.
It's an ongoing process and I am grateful that you write about it. I wish that I, or someone, could make it easier for you, but I know that's not really possible. But I do think you are doing amazing in finding your way through.
Julie
Thanks so much to you all, Jody, Brenda, Annemieke, Marie, LuAnn, Nancy, Beth and Julie for all of your support and kind comments. I count myself so very lucky to be a part of this supportive community of women. If we have to go through cancer at least we can support one another and share our experiences to hopefully help one another.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
Hi Debbie,
ReplyDeleteI'm new to your blog (saw you on Twitter), but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. As a stage IV breast cancer survivor, I can relate to the PTSD thing, too. I think blogging is a great way to process your feelings. I can also relate to the all the wonderful ways life can change once you're handed this diagnosis.
It's a mixed bag, to be sure, but it's easier when you know you are not in this alone. Oh by the way, thanks for adding my blog to your blogroll. I'll do the same for yours.
Hi Tami,
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment, I really appreciate it. I have also found you on twitter:) And will be visiting your site as I can, there are so many great people out there posting amazing stories. This certainly is a journey we are on and it is sad other people have to experience this but it is helpful to have the support of each other on this journey.
Debbie
i was healed of cancer by some other means called spell. i decidedto share this on this blog. well for more info. contact me on femgbod@yahoo.com
ReplyDelete