I have been battling that demon Depression again. Ever since I was diagnosed it hounds me, sneaking up and overwhelming me. I am learning how to deal with it, I get better and better. But sometimes it seems to react like those viruses that become resistant to antibiotics and then you have to keep trying new or stronger ones. I am learning how to beat the depression and then it learns a new trick and I have to change up my game plan.
What generally does work for me over and over is Gratitude. I just have to remember to use it. Right now I am pretty deep in the throws of some PTSD. It is 2 years since my recurrence diagnosis. And the winter I was diagnosed was much like this one with a heavy snow storm every couple days. I was shoveling all the paths, stairs, deck, etc constantly. I had a pain in my back that kept getting aggravated, which latter turned out to be a symptom of the cancer in my vertebra. So it is dejavu in a very bad way for me right now.
And even though in my last post I did say that pie and cowbell have been proven to eliminate PTSD symptoms, and I do believe it to be true, I can't eat pie every few minutes of my life without exploding:) So when my mind and my heart turn to sadness and fear I have to empty those things out and fill myself back up with gratitude and hope. Today I left a comment on my Facebook friend Luann's wall. She is a breast cancer survivor who has had an amazing outlook, full of positivity and spirituality. I told her I was needing a shot in the arm from her and she posted a wonderful essay on her blog about what has been going on for her. (http://lchevalier.blogspot.com/)
Luann inspired me to write a blog I had been forming in my mind. A blog about all my blessings, especially over the past year. When I think about everything I did and how amazingly blessed by gifts from God I was last year it is hard to be discouraged. So let me tell you, besides being blessed by my amazing husband, daughter and family and friends I have had these blessings in 2010:
1- Feb 2010 - 6 months after my treatment ended and my doctor said it was okay for me to start running again I ran my first ever half-marathon. The gift of running was amazing, but even better was the gift of my running partner Danielle.
2- March 2010 - I go on a ski week getaway with my dear friend Linda. The weather is amazing, the mountain is amazing and Linda and I have the best time skiing, playing cribbage, soaking in the hot tub and watching American Idol.
3 - April 2010 - I get an email from my daughter's middle school saying they are looking for a softball coach. I had been thinking about getting into coaching as I love sports and wanted to try something new. I asked my friend Martha if she would do it with me, she is an experienced coach. She said yes and my first coaching job happened. I loved it!
4- June 2010- I hear about a Freshman Field Hockey Coaching position open at the local high school (I hear this through Martha). I think I can't do it, but then God tells me I can. I apply for the job. Martha writes me an amazing letter of recommendation. I go for an interview. I get the job!
5 - August - October 2010 - I coach Freshman Field Hockey at WHS. My team is amazing, we have an undefeated season, 11-0. I have truly found my passion! I am asked to be a part of the Varsity post-season. I get to witness and support the team as they win the State Championships.
6- June 2010-December 2010 - I have lost 25 pounds. I eat right, exercise and feel great. My running is better than ever before.
Beyond these amazing gifts I am open to new possibilities, I took a writing class and have begun learning Taoist Tai Chi. I am thinking about going back to school and becoming a Physical Education teacher.
Lastly, I have been reading, listening and watching a lot of Joel Osteen and he says "Stop telling God about your problems and start telling your problems about your God." He constantly reminds me that we have to speak faith into our lives. And I find when I can remember to speak faith and express my gratitude for all my blessings I start to feel better.
So I say, in the name of Jesus...
Cancer, GET OUT OF MY BODY
Anxiety, GET OUT OF MY HEAD
Fear, GET OUT OF MY HEART
Panic, GET OUT OF MY GUT
Despair, GET OUT OF MY SOUL
Self-pity, GET OUT OF MY SPIRIT
Instead
HEALTH and HEALING, FILL MY BODY
PEACE, FILL MY HEAD
HOPE and LOVE, FILL MY HEART
QUITE CALM, FILL MY GUT
FAITH, FILL MY SOUL
GRATITUDE, FILL MY SPIRIT
How have you been blessed this year? What are you grateful for?
Remember - "If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is "Thank You", it will be enough." - Meister Eckehart
Many thanks to all of you, and many blessing too.
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Deb, yes, it's so easy to get bogged down and depressed by all the negativity and sadness in our lives. I admire the strength you've shown in 2010 by going out and trying new things. Nothing comes to those that don't try, that's for sure. I'm glad you're able to remember your blessings and feel happier. That's something we all need to remember every now and then. Especially me. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteOh my dear, I do so understand what you are saying here and I applaud you for your honesty which allows the rest of us to share our stories and feel less alone. Depression is such an insidious thing - it seems so hard to shake it off doesn't it? I love what Therese Borchard has to say about finding yourself back in that dark place "a relapse merely gives you a new starting place for healing". Her words came to me as I was reading your post-because you more than anyone I know have taught me so much about healing, gratitude and grace. All my love, Marie x
ReplyDeleteDearest Deb,
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you wrote about -- and hopefully through - this difficult season of 'cancerversary.' It's only through walking the dark tunnel that gratitude is illuminated. The other thing I've learned from these experiences is to make a list, and keep it handy, of relapse symptoms -- with the gratitude on the other side -- as an easy reminder when darkness falls. Your comment about depression, as a nasty little virus that returns, was spot on! We will continue to have 'cancerversarys' and understanding what can happen, so hopefully it won't be so difficult next year, has always been helpful to me.
Love you and thanks,
jody
Thank you for your beautiful, honest, inspiring words. Wishing you good health and happiness.
ReplyDeleteDeb I'm not a religious person but I certainly hear where you are coming from. You're so right in pointing out that it's important to think about your "blessings", or as I have to come think of them:
ReplyDeleteAll those wonderful ingredients that go into making Pie.
xxxxxx
Thank you everyone for your wonderful, supportive comments!
ReplyDeleteStacey, It is hard to remember all the great things that have happened in our lives, I found that writing this post was a great way to remind my brain that I am still moving forward!
Marie, Thank you my dear for your ever-present support. Yes, each trip back to depression and then up and out of it again is part of the 'bittersweet rhythm of and engaged life" as I quoted in and earlier post. When I look at it that way I see growth and life rather than feeling stuck. x
Jody, Yes, as you know writing is therapy for me and getting things out on my blog really helps me work through things. I love your idea of writing down the relapse symptoms so that when it happens again (cause we know it will happen again) it might not take me as long to turn things around. Maybe a symptoms list and next to it a list of all the things I can do to fight the PTSD. x
Andrea, thank you for your support and kindness and wishing you health and happiness too!
Anna, I appreciate that you are not a religious person and still read my post and commented, it is so important to learn from each other how different people deal with similar issues, and i LOVE how you put it "All those wonderful ingredients that go into making Pie." Sublime:) x
Deb,
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything to add other than to say I support you in fighting off the demons. And I'm with you, I try to find gratitude where I can. Here's my favorite quote on the topic. I hope you like it. "I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder." -G.K. Chesterton
Deb,
ReplyDeleteI've never suffered from depression, but the death of James may qualify me. Losing him, my love, my rock, unexpectedly, is the hardest thing I've ever done. I admire your tenacity and fight. We're cut from the same cloth, so I know I will survive, once again.
God has played a huge role in my life for the last 12 years, and I've drawn on His strength minute by minute these last 35 days. Yesterday I told Him I was as surrendered as a person can get, so tell me what you want me to do; how can I help others, show me the way. And yes, I am grateful He is here.
Bravo sweet lady for all of your joys and successes!
Brenda
Jackie, Thanks so much for commenting and I LOVE your quote, a great reminder of the power of gratitude! And I am grateful for you including me in your post about the great online community:)
ReplyDeleteBrenda, You are most definitely a survivor! I can only imagine the pain and suffering you are going through since the sudden loss of your husband. The fact that you are sharing your story and reaching out to others is a sign of your strength. Your faith added to your wonderful inner strength will help to see you through this tragedy. It will take time and tenacity and the support of your family and friends. I am glad to be counted among your friends and am here to support you as you have done for me. Love, Deb
Dear Debbie,
ReplyDeleteI applaud you for being so open and honest about what you are going through, thus making it possible for others to talk about it as wel.. As you yourself wrote in this blog, you don't need to be reminded of all the good things happening to you, YOU KNOW! Nevertheless depression is an ugly thing and it will take time to deal with it. You ask about the blessings in our life, things to be grateful for. Well, for me YOU ARE!! you;'re not " athing" but knowing you and having you in my life made a huge difference. Hope all of us can do the same for you. Love and a big hug, Annemieke
Dear Annemieke, You are definitely a big blessing in my life, and the rest of the Twisters and Cowbells on twitter, who have become a sort of 'life-line' for me. If I am ever in need of a boost I know exactly where to go, you and the rest of my special friends on twitter. My healing has really happened in conjunction with this amazing group of people!
ReplyDeleteLove to you, Debbie
Hi Debbie, I am in awe of all you have accomplished. You inspire me to get going on more of my projects. In some ways I am not looking forward to Spring and my own cancerversaries. There are so many dates coming up marking various memories of last year, and I'm not sure how I will deal with them yet. At least I know I will not be alone. And that is something to put in my gratitude column for sure.
ReplyDeleteDebbie, I really understand what you say about battling the demons.... and I'm glad you've found a way through this. Your sporting achievements are fantastic - well done. I too am a runner and know how much pleasure you can find in that.
ReplyDeleteNancy, You will definitely not be alone as you come to your cancerversaries. For me it has been hard every year, but I have found my way through each time, thanks to family, friends and writing among other things. Keep following your path and keep writing about your journey, I am sure you will discover many other things to add to your gratitude column!
ReplyDeleteSarah, Running has become more important to me than I could have imagined. It helps me on some many levels beyond the physical. I realized early on in my running that it was for me the physical expression of moving forward, even if in every other area of my life I felt stuck. It has been a saving grace for me. Glad you find pleasure in it too!
Hi Debbie
ReplyDeleteI also have MBC--I presented with limited bony mets 1.5 years ago. There is an active Stage IV board at www.breastcancer.org if you have an interest. (Maybe you are already there!)
Take care,
Me
Dear Anonymous, Thanks for the info, I have not been there yet. I wish you the best and hope you are well.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
Just found you via twitter, add another fan to your list!
ReplyDeleteWelcome Amy, and Thanks!
ReplyDelete