Sometimes I get overwhelmed with talking about my cancer. So why am I writing about it here today? While it is overwhelming and feels like I am hyper-focused on myself some days it is still helpful for me to get some things down on paper (or computer screen). My personality type does better with written expressions rather than spoken so this blogging thing works well for me.
Hyper-focused on my health would be an understatement of my day last Thursday. I had my 3 month visit to Dana Farber for my blood work, Lupron and Zometa. Luckily my friend Linda was able to drive me so that makes it better. And we got to navigate the new Yawkey Cancer Care Center which just opened next to Dana Farber. This was my first trip to the new building although I have been watching it be built for the past 2 years. My name is also painted on a beam of this building (see my much earlier post entitled Name on the Beams, http://debbiescancerblog.blogspot.com/2009/06/name-on-beams.html). One very cool thing about the new building is that it is very light and there is lots of exterior glass, which has also allowed them to keep the painted names visible from the outside! I was not able to see mine this visit but will check for it in 3 months and get another picture if I can. Beyond there being a few delays everything went fine. Well, as fine as things can go when you are getting treatment for cancer.
What I really wanted to say is that all this makes me want to do something for someone else's cancer. Is that weird? I want to go run the Vermont City Marathon on a relay team for my friend Nancy's partner who died of a Brain Tumor. I want to start a fundraiser for a 6 year old boy named Zach and his family. They have been fighting his very resistant strain of ALL for 4 years now and are back to the beginning with a new experimental drug and hopes of a second bone marrow transplant. I want to help anyone and talk about anything OTHER THAN breast cancer. That is my real problem with the pink ribbons and the commercials and the events and the awareness month. I mean I know it is helping so many people INCLUDING ME. But sometimes I want to scream and run in the other direction. It is probably fear and a bit of the ostrich wanting to stick her head in the sand that makes me feel that way. But I am so much more than a woman who is battling breast cancer. At least I am trying to be so much more.....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
I so remember your early blog and photos of the new building when it was nothing but steel girders.
ReplyDeleteThink of that when you need to affirm your progress.
When you were still new to cancer -- and recurrence -- the building was just underway.
Now it's open and helping people every day.
So are you.
love,
Jody
You are an amazing person who has already given so much. Remember, giving of yourself doesn't always have to be about someone else's cancer. Think of all those kids you have given to....the time and love you put into your coaching...the athletic experience you help give them that is so much more than about a sport or winning a game. Its a life experience....it is about teaming with a group to work to achieve a common goal...the give and take, the ups and downs, the setbacks and the victories. Isn't that what we are all about here? Whether its cancer, some other disease, some other worthy cause...its figuring out how we can team and make a positive difference...a meaningful impact. You do that already. I am quite sure that anyone who knows you does not think of you simply as "a woman battling cancer". So go where you passion takes you...and no matter what "cause" you choose, you will continue make a wonderful contribution and important impact on those you touch.
ReplyDeleteWhat a great symbol of hope and progress to have your name up on the walls of the new cancer center. It is another symbol of how far you've come.
ReplyDeleteAnd wanting to help others in their struggle, to have them benefit from your experiences, is another.
Whatever you decide to do it will be worth it. To you, to other survivors, to patients and their loved ones, to countless others. Thanks for all you do Deb. Hugs.
Debbie- I can really relate to this post. I too have been thinking a LOT about other cancers and illnesses and how I can possibly help. I'm still nutting through that question, but one thing I do know, is that in dealing with my disease, my eyes are rapidly opening to the world around me. I am a woman who happens to have cancer, but trying to use my brain and voice to take a little control back. So I do spend a lot of time thinking about cancer and it can be overwhelming, but it feels right for me at this moment. Thanks for this post. Lots to think about.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments everyone. I am not sure I am expressing myself very well here and want to be sure it does not feel like I am turning my back on advocating or supporting others with breast cancer. It is just so overwhelming at times, and scary, that I want to run, but realize I can't run away from my own life, and this experience is part of my life, guess I am just ready to put it on the back burner...the WAY BACK BURNER:)
ReplyDeleteJody, Yes, I think the extent to which I am affected by walking into the building that holds my name on it's structure has not hit me yet. I remember writing about forever being linked to something bigger them myself, and that is sort of where this post came from, but I am sure there is more lurking in my mind that will come out later. Thanks for your continued love and support.
Nancy, Thanks so much for your lovely comment, I LOVE what you had to write about coaching and relating it to being on a team where we are all working together. It gives me some of that 'perspective' that can get lost when I am so hyper-focused on my own issues. x
Karen, thank you for you support and kind words, they mean a lot. I so did not want this post to sound like I was complaining about the Breast Cancer Culture because I know without it I may not be here. Awareness and support have helped to push the treatments as far as they have come, and hopefully will continue to do so. I would love to see that happen for all the diseases in the world.
Anna, Yes, I think that dealing with our own disease and all the stuff that comes along with it really can open our eyes to the struggles of everyone. And as I commented above to Karen, I am grateful in so many ways to the many women (and men) who can keep pushing and advocating for progress, where would I be without all the survivors who came before me? I think this feeling I am having these days may have more to do with fear than anything else, and relates to my stage in recovery. And knowing there are people out there like you and so many other of the Cowbells who are ringing out loud to be heard takes some pressure off me, which is a real relief to me at this moment in my life. Interesting to think about how different parts of similar experiences can encourage different people to take so many varied journeys!
Debbie, this post makes me proud to know you, even though it's "virtually." I often think this whole journey (hate that word) has to be for some kind of good, although, for myself I haven't quite figured out what that good is yet. But, perhaps it is thinking about others. All the time we spend thinking of ourselves has to lead to something, it has to matter and if we can help others with anything we learned, either literally or emotionally, then that's what we should do. Yay, for you and I can't wait to see your name on the wall.
ReplyDeleteDear Debbie,
ReplyDeleteYou are soo much more than a lady battling breast cancer! You are an awesome wife and mom, beloved daughter and sister, great coach and dear Twister. But next to all of that you are a woman battling breast cancer, sharing her story with us, which teaches some of us and let others recognize what they have gone or are going through. You show us your ups and downs, inspire us and teach us it is ok to be scared sometimes. Your name on the beam is an fitting honor and I look forward to see the pictures. To me you are first and for most a dear friend. And the fact that dear friend is battling breast cancer is "just" a part of that amazing person. Thank you for that friendship. Big Hug, Annemieke
I second Stacey - this post makes me proud to know you, even just virtually. (can you e-know someone? I never know what to call it.) Thank you!
ReplyDeleteStacey, thanks for commenting and for your kindness and I too am proud to 'know' you:) It is amazing how my world has opened up in so many ways due to this virtual world on the computer, weird but true:) I think there are so many stages to this experience and I am of course at a different stage then you are in this process. I think the end of Anna's comment above shows how we are each doing what we need to do at this moment in our 'journey' and that makes sense. And we are learning from each other as we go!
ReplyDeleteAnnemieke, Thanks my dear Twister for your support and encouragement. If I am ever down I know I can go to you for a big helping of "feel-good" and "pat-on-the-back":) We are part of the mutual admiration society, which suits me just fine. Thank you for your friendship too. x
Julie, thanks for you reading and commenting! And yes, why haven't we coined a phrase yet for knowing someone through social media? We need to get on that!
Debbie, I also want to say, you are SO much more than a woman battling cancer! I say that with conviction and I don't even know you other than from reading your blog! Your drive, determination, kind heartedness and effort to help others always shines through. So glad you had a good appt. I'm going later this month for my checkup and it will be in a brand new cancer addition. I know it will seem weird going there. Thanks for sharing your thoughts through this post!
ReplyDeleteD, this was a great post and I'm sure it's one that all cancer vixens can relate. I agree with Nancy--you are SO much more than a cancer patient; we all are. It's okay--no one can save the world, so don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs, Lisa
ReplyDeleteGreat idea! If people cared more about those who are suffering from cancer, then you will see that suffering from the disease and the difficulties encountered during the cancer treatments are truly something that can be lessened.
ReplyDelete