Six weeks ago today I was derailed. I had been wandering around feeling quite full of myself and on quite a 'high'. In May I had a fantastic appointment with my oncologist as I wrote about a few posts ago. Two years out from my recurrence, cancer free and looking forward to a new phase of wellness. I was also looking forward to getting my ovaries removed and continuing on my path of moving forward.
So when I got my surgery scheduled for June 24 I was ready to go and didn't ask too many questions, had the basic info and said 'Let's do this'. I had that moment of fear just before heading into surgery and asked my doc if I was doing the right thing. But that little moment of doubt was nothing compared to the panic attacks that hit me the days after surgery as I thought to myself, "What the hell have I done!?" Six weeks out I know it was the right thing to do, but those first few days, with my belly distended and suffering from intense gas pains that somehow manage to reach many parts of my body, I had my doubts.
The combination of recovering physically from surgery along with emotionally struggling with PTSD was a one-two punch that I was not prepared for. I was at such a point of feeling great physically right before the surgery and now I could barely walk around my house. And I also dealt with digestion issues during the second week of recovery which made me weak, tired and frustrated. All of the physical distress reminded me so much of past treatment and reminded me that I am not in control and my emotions took a dive.
Derailed, sent off track and trying to right myself, little things seem big. I look for meaning, try to follow the bread crumbs and read the signs. But in the search I sometimes try too hard. Sometimes a bee sting is just a bee sting and sometimes a feather is just a feather. A spilled drink is just something to clean up, a missed exit is just a little detour. Maybe the meaning in all of this is that sometimes there is no meaning, sometimes things just are. I need to be open, trusting and know that things will reveal themselves, if there is indeed anything to be revealed. In the meantime, breathe, run, smile, laugh, love, live.
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Love it--sometimes a bee sting is just a bee sting! And I get it! I had a complete hysterectomy in last October. Instant menopause at 42, boy was I scared. Although, I still struggle with fatigue, all other symptoms are improved. Keep loving and laughing!
ReplyDeleteKim, thanks for reading and commenting. Yes, and the bee sting wasn't even me, it was the UPS guy, but I felt like it was my fault and was wondering all evening why it had to happen, what was the universe trying to tell me and then someone helped me realize, sometimes a bee sting is just a bee sting! Glad you are feeling better and hope the fatigue fades too.
ReplyDeleteOh, Deb! :( What kind of shoulder surgery was it? I'm so sorry I didn't know you were going through this. I would have sent you some constructive PT healing vibes!! It is the pits, though, how easily we can get thrown under the bus again. I've had a few of those times this year myself, respiratory infections, GI bugs & such, extra frustrating because they occurred just as I was really starting to crawl out of the long-term fatigue ditch. Really tested me. But sometimes a bad cold is just a bad cold. And shoulder surgery is no fun anytime, but thankfully, it's something you recover from and then you're DONE with it!!
ReplyDeleteI am just thrilled to see you writing again..more please!! I savored every word of your latest post, although I felt so bad for you going through so much physical pain which often triggers the emotional and psychological pain. At first I thought your post was kind of the anti-post to my latest all about finding deeper meaning...but when I thought some more about it, I thought how complimentary it actually is. Sometimes, you got to just sit in the body of the whale and trust that it is moving you forward where you need to go. Love to you. Marie xxx
ReplyDeleteDeb,
ReplyDeleteI didn't know you were feeling so derailed. I did notice you had been quiet for a while though and I, too, am happy to see a post! I went through some scary times this summer too with lots of tests and irrational, well actually I still think I was entirely rational, thoughts and worries of my own. You're right, sometimes we just have to let whatever is going to unfold, unfold. Trusting is hard isn't it? Hope you're feeling back on track soon.
You'll be back, Deb.
ReplyDeleteAfter treatment - especially another surgery that's related to treatment - takes you back to the frustration of recovery. That we don't feel BETTER immediately, thank you very much. I don't even think oncology surgeons realize this. How nice it would be if someone said, up front, "I've noticed that(MOST/SOME) of my patients experience (A BIT/A LOT/TOO MUCH) depression after this surgery. IT's NORMAL...
The other thing that almost ALL surgeons discount is physical recovery time. Just because a procedure that stretches you out like a balloon and expects the gas to "deflate" normally is over and out in one day doesn't mean you'll feel well the next. The phrase "same day surgery" is not always with "same day recovery." Don't we wish.
It's always good to see you writing again. Love,
Jody
A Big thanks to everyone who read and commented here, I appreciate all the support, it is one of the biggest things that helps me get back on track.
ReplyDeletexo Deb
Hi Debbie,
ReplyDeleteI've been following your blog and happy to see a recent post. You're a beautiful writer and as derailed as you might be/have been feeling, your words and message are serene. Thank you for sharing.
I wanted to ask you if you've heard of the M.A.P. Project? It’s a research initiative launched by the Cancer Support Community’s Cancer Survivorship Research and Training Institute. The aim is to understand and address the emotional and social needs that accompany a breast cancer diagnosis. Through joining our registry, women are offered a unique opportunity to help guide and inform research directed at ameliorating the breast cancer experience.
Unfortunately, evidence shows that most women experience some form of distress or depression due to their cancer, and often times feel that their emotions are misunderstand. You mentioned some of your feelings of shock and depression as you underwent and recovered from this past surgery. Any man or woman that has, at any point, been diagnosed with breast cancer and is willing to share their experience with us can make a difference. We would love to hear your voice, Debbie.
Please consider joining us as part of a national movement of breast cancer survivors, and helping us propel our research forward in ultimately improving the lives of millions touched by cancer.
www.BreastCancerRegistry.com
Best wishes for you, Debbie, and looking forward to your future posts!
Natalie
Hello,
ReplyDeleteI have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David
Natalie, thanks for reading and commenting. I appreciate your offer to become a part of the breast cancer registry and I will take a look and get back in touch with you.
ReplyDeleteDebbie
I have to say that the whole PSTD thing was a big shock for me. I'm a pretty resolute and sturdy kind of gal, the sort who can take a sucker punch and keep on going. Leastways, that is how I have always viewed myself.
ReplyDeleteNow? Not so much. This has been traumatic, and I really struggled for a time before I got the courage to admit that to myself. I still have trouble sleeping sometimes, and I am ashamed of that. I walk around waiting for the other shoe to drop ~debby