Healthy?

I was feeling really healthy back in early June. Strange to say seeing as I am a two-time cancer survivor and have often felt over the past 4 years that I may never write or utter those words again. Regardless I was feeling that way. And when I went in for some pre-op testing in late June I was told by the nurse that I was..."officially the healthiest person I've seen today". It was a source of pride for me to be told that. Really, since my last check-up with my oncologist when I reached the 2 year cancer-free mark, was released from further Zometa infusions, was extended to once-a-year PET scans, and decided to have my ovaries removed as a step for further optimal health, I had been feeling great. Notice the HAD in the previous sentence.

Then I got my ovaries surgically removed and that sent me spiraling down a bit as I wrote about in a previous post. It took more out of me physically than I had imagined or hoped it would, and it took way more out of me emotionally than I was prepared for. Yet, slowly but surely I climbed my way back out of that hole and even felt good enough to try something new and exciting.

In my attempt to get back to some sense of 'normalcy' and move forward with my new feelings of health I finally went to see a 'regular' doctor. I had not had any physicals or been established with a PCP for 4 years so I thought now was the time to get that going. I wasn't looking for any trouble, wasn't dealing with any symptoms, not trying to change anything, just wanting to be like a regular person and see a regular doc, check my cholesterol, go there if I have a sore throat, etc.. Of course, getting back to normalcy would have some bumps in the road otherwise it wouldn't be normal, right? One week after my physical I get a call saying my TSH level is high and I have Hypothyroidism and I need to start taking meds. I'm like, "WHAT!!??"

I do a little research online, cause isn't that what we all do these days? But just a little as I don't want to get all worked up and start imagining that I have all the symptoms. But I do find that radiation to the neck can lead to hypothyroidism. And guess what....I had radiation to the neck. But no one ever told me that this might happen, probably would happen, at some point in the future. That sort of made me mad, just a little heads-up would have been good. But I also can see that if doctors told you about all the things that 'might' happen due to cancer treatments then lots of people may never get treated or lots of people will be looking for all these things to happen. I don't like to go looking for symptoms because I seem to be able to convince myself that I am experiencing them when the day before I was just living my life as if I was healthy.

So, after a second visit with my new PCP to talk about my thyroid and another blood test to be sure the first reading was right, I decided to start the medication, or as my doc likes to look at it, my supplement. She said really I am just putting back into my body something that is supposed to be there for optimal functioning. I like this 're-framing' as my therapist calls it. Sometimes it is just how we look at things that makes us feel one way or the other towards it. I was actually a little excited to start the supplement because I had been feeling sort of tired, sluggish, cranky and gained a little weight. So maybe this supplement is going to help with all that. Or maybe writing in my journal, meditating, going to bed earlier and not burning the candle at both ends will help with that.

Whatever the case I am trying to move forward once again. Get out of the stuck position that my emotions can put me in and consider all the options and possibilities. And along the way I hope to find a new 'healthy' that feels 'normal' and feels like me.